just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This house was built for laser tag.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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