I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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