im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
