Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
