I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
