Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
