how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
