paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
