Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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