I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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