it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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