Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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