I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Someone shit on the floor
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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