Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize