My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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