So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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