I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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