just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
