how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
