My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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