This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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