I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
