when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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