His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize