tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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