me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
