Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
