I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
