Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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