I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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