someone threw a dead crab at me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
