Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
