Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
