i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I want her autograph on my taint
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
