I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
