The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
