is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
