His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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