how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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