just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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