If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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