We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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