well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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