Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
