While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
