and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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