So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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