i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Farmville is her only friend.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
