I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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