did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
