Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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