Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
