Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
