How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
