You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Someone shattered a urinal.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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